The Video Store From Hell
by gabriel ricard
Summary: Gabe revisits avalanche and slong with Tifa,Yuffie,Cid and Red XIII head to Shinra Video to rent a movie. With more pointless bloodshed and meaningless celebrity cameos then ever "The Video Store From Hell" promises to take a little piece of your will to


Final Fantasy 7-#2

"The video store from hell"

Written By Gabe Ricard

The following is the continuation to the wildly successful FF7 Fan Fic "Total Boredom" (I Wish) and since I want to improve as a writer, I will welcome any and all comments at gothglam_666@hotmail.com. The characters and names in this are not mine (except Gabe) and are owned by Squaresoft, New Line Cinema, Nothing Records and View Askew. Enjoy the fic.....

"You know its bad when even the winos have better things to do than come here" sighed Tifa, staring out the window of the 7th Heaven on a miserable rainy day. Everyone but Cid, Yuffie and Red XIII were out doing something. Tifa was just about to fall asleep when a slightly familiar voice caused her to look up and see Gabe standing in front of her. "It's been awhile since you were last here. What's new?"

"Not much" replied Gabe. "My real life still sucks, so I figured I'd stop by here again." 

Tifa yawned "Well, I hate to disappoint you but nothing much is happening here Cid, Yuffie, and Red and myself are the only ones here. Got any ideas for something to do?" she asked. 

Gabe thought for a moment. "Well we could rent some movies."

"Ok" said Tifa, getting up. "Go tell the others and we'll go." 

Gabe nodded, and went down below. To his surprise, Cid was sitting in a chair watching Dukes and Yuffie sitting on the couch. Cid looked up "Hey Gabe." 

Gabe was in slight disbelief. "How did you not only get Yuffie to let you watch something, but also let you watch the Dukes?" 

Cid held up a needle. "I gave her some valium."

"NOT ENOUGH YOU DIRTY OLD BASTARD!!!!" Cid turned around to see Yuffie spring at him and begin pounding the crap out of him with such fury it made even Red XIII, who had been watching in the corner, flinch. 

Gabe shook his head "Tifa and I are going to rent movies. The three of you are welcome to come along." Yuffie got off Cid and headed up to the bar. Red followed and Cid, with a little help from Gabe, went up shortly after.

"We have to take the buggy. The airship's busted right now," said Cid. The five walked over to the buggy 

"Where are we going for the movies?" asked Gabe. 

"Shinra Video it's the only store in Midgar," said Red XIII.

"@#$%" cursed Gabe, getting into the buggy. Moments later, the buggy shot down past the bar to the video store.

"Pull over. I have to take a #@%^" announced Cid, a few minutes later.

Tifa, who was driving, sighed, and pulled over to a store. Everyone got out to go do something. Gabe walked into the store, and grabbed a can of Dr. Pepper and walked to the counter. 

"And that, my friend, is why Star Wars Episode 2 is doomed to failure." 

Gabe looked at the man leaning on the counter in surprise, then looked at the man behind the counter. "Hey, aren't you Dante Hicks and Randal Graves from the legendary cult classic Clerks?" Dante nodded. Gabe was impressed having just met the two stars of the greatest movie ever made. He put the Dr. Pepper on the table. "Ring this up." 

Dante's eyes widened. "I'm not supposed to be here today." 

Gabe shrugged "Well since you ARE here, could you ring this up?" 

Dante's face turned pale and frantic, "But I'm NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE TODAY!!!!!!" His head began twitching, 

Randal grabbed Gabe's Dr. Pepper and rung it up quickly, then handed it to him and sighed. "He's having some problems right now, so you'd better get out before things get-" 

Randals words were interrupted as Dante grabbed Gabe by his shirt and pulled him close to him."DON'T YOU $#$^ING GET IT\?!?!? THIS WAS MY DAY OFF!!!!! I'M NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE HERE TODAY!!!!!!!" He threw Gabe into a wall, and broke down sobbing. Gabe grabbed his soda off the floor and ran outside. 

"Gabe go back in there and get me some cigarettes" asked Cid. 

Gabe got in the car quickly " Get it yourself."

"Holy testicle Tuesday. Since when is a video store 20 %$#*ing stories?!!??" said Gabe, awestruck. "I guess we can split up, get what we want, and meet back in a couple hours." Cid said nothing and walked ahead into the video. Tifa and Gabe followed him inside. They walked in one direction, and Red XIII and Yuffie walked in another.

"Hey, this could be useful," said Gabe, as he and Tifa came to an elevator that showed which genres were on what floor. 

"I want a comedy," said Tifa, studying the long list of floor descriptions. "And that's on the 15th floor." 

"Well, I want horror, and that's on the 19th floor. We may as well get yours first." Tifa nodded, and the two got in an elevator, where they were met by the elevator attendant who happened to be Rude. 

"Where to?" Rude asked. 

"Why are you an elevator attendant?" asked Tifa. 

"Rufus got mad, and blamed us for what you morons did to Shinra Land, so he has us all doing demeaning jobs now. So where to?" 

"The 15th floor" replied Tifa. 

Rude smiled. "That'll be 10,000 gil." 

"You're on drugs, you bald bastard, if you think I'm going to give you even a nickel," said Gabe. 

Rude shrugged "Then this elevator doesn't move." 

Tifa replied by winding back and kicking Rude in the nuts with such force that Rudes eye's popped through his shades. "Where to?" grinned Gabe, hitting the button for the 15th floor.

"Wow, Shera and I ought to try that postion some time," thought Cid, looking through several rows of porno flicks. He noticed Reno who appeared to be fixated on a tape with men on it. "Reno, you flaming queer, what the ^%$& are you doing?!?" 

Reno snapped back to life. "Cid,….um, errrr DIE!!!!!!" Reno charged at Cid who simply shook his head 

"Reno, I'm going to have to spear you onto the wall." Before Reno could attack, Cid pulled out the Venus Gospel and rammed it into Renos forehead. He pulled the spear out and laughed. "I don't think I will ever get tired of spearing Shinra employees into the wall." With that, Cid pulled the spear out, and continued to walk along looking for a movie.

"Yuffie, for the last time we are not renting Stuart Little." Red was growing tired of Yuffie's whining, God knows how many times already, to rent a movie of Yuffie's choosing. "Heres a good movie, Dogs in the Wild, by National Geographic." 

Yuffie stomped her foot. "Nooooooo." 

Red grabbed the movie with his teeth, and continued to walk. Jay and Silent Bob walked by, and stopped. "Look Silent Bob, it's Catdog!"

Red XIII glared. "Do not call me Catdog." 

Jay laughed. "Hey, Bob, check it out Catdog can &^%$ing talk!!" 

Red XIII felt himself getting angrier. "I said, don't call me Catdog." 

Jay pulled a joint out of his pocket, and offered it to Red XIII. "Here Catdog, smoke this. You'll feel better." 

"You're pushing it, stoner," he growled through his teeth. 

Jay leaned down "Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatddddddddddoooooggggg."

Red XIII bared his fangs."One more time"

"Caaaaaatttttdddooggggggggg, Caaaaaaaattttttttdo-ahhhh, #$%^ ^%^* ^^^&&^^%^%$^%$^%$^%$^%$" Jay cried out a number of obscenities as Red XIII jumped on him and began tearing at his shoulder. 

Yuffie looked at Silent Bob in horror. "Aren't you going to help him?" 

Silent Bob took a long drag of his cigarette, and turned to Yuffie. "One minute." He turned back and smiled as he watched Jay fight Red XIII, then he sighed. "OK." He walked over and threw Red off Jay, then threw Jay on his shoulder, and walked away. 

Red XIII turned to Yuffie. "One $%^&ing word and I'll tear out YOUR throat." Yuffie said nothing and saw another movie she liked, but thought better of mentioning it.

"Damn, how many movies are there?!?" exclaimed Gabe, who was eager to look for his movie. 

"Lets just look around for little bit, then we'll look for your movie," said Tifa.

Gabe nodded, and walked with Tifa through the comedy section, seeing nothing interesting in the labyrinth of movies. Tifa noticed The Breakfast Club, and pointed to it. "Let's get that one." 

Gabe grabbed it, and noticed a counter a few shelves down. "Great let's pay for it and go get my movie." 

They walked to the counter, and to their surprise, saw Rufus wearing a Shinra video T-shirt standing behind the counter. Rufus looked at Tifa and Gabe and rolled his eyes, "What the hell are you two doing here?" 

"What does it look like? We're renting movies ring this up," said Gabe. He threw the tape on the counter. "Why are you, the owner of the company, working the counter at the video store?" 

Rufus looked at them and shook his head "I told you before. I'm doing this to interact with the common people more." He handed them the movie. "That'll be 55,000,000 gil… hahahahahahahahaha!!" 

Gabe looked at Rufus in disgust "What is with you and charging outrageous prices. What kind of ^%$#ing idiot do you think would actually pay that?" At that moment, Scarlet walked up to the counter, paid for her movie and left. Gabe shook his head "I stand corrected." He decided to use a little of his author's power. He turned to Rufus. "Hey Rufus, it's too bad Marilyn Manson will pop behind you and rip your heart out. 

Rufus laughed. "What? That's-" before Rufus could say a word Marilyn Manson slowly appeared behind him, spun Rufus around, and tore his heart out in one swift motion. Gabe was silent for a moment, then noticed Dogma. "Hey Manson, you wanna grab Dogma for me?" 

Manson grabbed the tape and jumped over the counter. "Lets go." Gabe nodded, and the three walked over to the elevator.

After paying for, Better sex after 40, Cid walked around the video store looking for Gabe and the others. 

As he walked around, a man in a giant Barney costume jumped in front of him. "Heyyyyy you look like someone who really really would like to own my new sing along tape!" Cid said nothing, and just stood there in disbelief. Barney was not about to go with out plugging some more of his stuff " I bet you want a Barney doll for your grandkids!!" 

Cid's eyes twitched he looked up at Barney, his cigarette ready to fall out of his mouth. "What the #$@% did you say, you 400 pound pile of purple $#%&?" 

Barney sensed some hostility, and decided to bring out the big weapon. He stretched out his arms, and walked towards Cid, "I looooooooooove youuuuuuuuuuuuuuu."

A minute later, Cid pulled the spear out. He decided they probably wouldn't be able to figure out what he was anyway. Feeling slightly calmer, Cid walked down the asile to look for the others.

"Okay, Yuffie, we have our movies. Let's go." Yuffie nodded, mad because they had rented two National Geographic movies, but nothing for her. 

"Now, which way did we come?" wondered Red XIII, aloud. 

Yuffie shrugged. "I don't know." 

Red XIII groaned "Just %$#&ing great. We''re lost." 

Yuffie's eyes widened, and she burst into tears "Wahhhhhhhhhh, we're lost, we're lost. We're gonna die. Wahhhhhhhh!!!" 

"Don't worry, I'll help you!" Indiana Jones jumped in front of them, brandishing his whip. 

Yuffie stopped crying, and jumped up in the air. "YAHHHH, we're saved!" 

Indiana nodded. "Okay, lets go!" Indiana Jones ran up ahead and only a few seconds later a boulder fell from out of nowhere and crushed him. 

Yuffie resumed her crying. "Nooooooo now we're gonna die I don't wanna die!! Wahhhhhhh!!" 

Red said nothing. He slumped into a corner, making a resolution to stay home the next time anyone went anywhere.

"I was wondering. Why am I here?" asked Marilyn Manson as he, Gabe and Tifa walked around the 15th floor. 

"Because, on its own, this fan fic is pretty weak. So I figured adding some celebrities may hold some of the readers' attention for at least for a few more minutes." Manson nodded, and the three continued walking. Before long, they came to an elevator. "'Where to?" Gabe realized it was Hojo, and before Hojo could say a word Gabe punched him in the face, knocking him out. 

Tifa was startled and jumped back "Why did you do that?" she asked, looking down at Hojo who, more than likely, had a broken nose. 

Gabe hit the button for the 19th floor, and shrugged. "Just saving us the aggravation later. Besides, at least he lives." As he said this, the elevator doors opened. A dozen sumo wrestlers stormed in, trampling Hojo to death.

Cid looked around and realized Gabe would probably be in the horror movie section. He walked over to the elevator and opened it. "Holy #$@% is that Hojo?" Cid leaned closer "What the %$#^ happened to him?" Cid kept his lunch and hit the 19th floor.

"Yuffie, shut the hell up!!!!!!!!!" Red XIII had had the unfortunate pleasure of having to listen to Yuffie cry in the most ungodly, obscene, high-pitched child like voice he had ever heard, for the last ten minutes. This was not only driving him insane, but making it completely impossible for him to concentrate and figure out where they should go. 

Yuffie, in true child like fashion, instantly stopped crying. "But we're lost. We'll never find a way out!" 

Red sighed. "I have an idea. Get on my back and we will jump over shelf after shelf until we get out. It can't possibly go on forever." Yuffie nodded and got onto Red's back. Red began leaping over shelf after shelf.

"Gabe! Tifa! Its about %$#^ing time I found you guys." He began to walk over, then stopped and nearly fell over at the site of Marilyn Manson, who Cid had never seen nor heard before. "What the %$#& is that?!?!." 

Marilyn Manson glared at Cid "I'm Marilyn Manson you red neck $#@^!!" 

Cid was about to respond, but Gabe stopped him. "Let's just get a movie and go." The four walked a short way, stopping to look at various titles. 

They stopped as they heard a chain saw whirring behind them. They turned around to see Jason Voorhees standing over the decapitated bodies of Scarlet, Palmer and Heidbennger. "AHHHHHHH," screamed Cid, who was about to run like hell, but saw Gabe, Tifa and Manson standing their ground and decided to do the same. 

Jason lifted the chainsaw in the air ready to bring it down on them, when Marilyn Manson reached back and tore the mask off. Instead of the horrible disfigured face of Jason, they saw the horrible disfigured face of Sephiroth. "Sephiroth?!?" cried Gabe in complete surprise. 

Sephiroth cackled "Yeah. Admit it. You lame asses were scared. Hahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!!!!!!!" 

Gabe shrugged. "I'll admit I was scared, but now we're going to have to kill you." 

Sephiroth drew his mansuame and glared. "Just try it-ahhhhhhhh!!!!" Sephiroth fell back as Cid's spear stuck out of his head. Gabe gave him the Stunner, then Tifa nailed him with a Final Heaven and Marilyn Manson added the final touch by tearing out all his hair, then strapping him to a keg of dynamite. Gabe saw a door opening to stairs that went to the top floor and also stairs to the bottom floor. Gabe lit the keg and pushed it down the stairs and slammed the door. They heard an explosion several moments later. Silence filled the air for a few minutes before Gabe saw a movie. "Hey," he said. "It's Leprechaun 5." Gabe grabbed it. He walked over to the counter and paid for the movie.

"Well that's it. I guess we can get out of here." Gabe stopped and looked around "Are we forgetting something.?" Cid gave Gabe a "how-the-%$&*-should-I-know"look. 

Then Tifa nodded. "Oh yeah. I remember what we forgot. I owe the store money for a movie I brought back late." She shrugged. "It's no big deal. Let's go." 

Gabe turned to Marilyn Manson. "What are your plans?"

"I guess I'll go with you guys and then just go my own way." Gabe nodded, and everyone got in the buggy and headed back to the bar.

"Hey guys, where you been?" asked Cait Sith. Gabe held up some movies as he and the others walked in. Everyone but Cloud and Aeris had returned. 

Tifa clenched her fist and grumbled, "I will get that two-cent whore yet!!" Vincent had to be sedated from the excitement of meeting Marilyn Manson.

"Thanks for staying to watch my movie with me, Gabe," said Tifa, as later that night Gabe and Tifa were watching their movies. 

Gabe shrugged "No problem." Tifa yawned, and a few moments later, she fell asleep on Gabe's left shoulder. Gabe thought for a moment. He could really abuse his fan fic author power, but decided against it. He went back to watching the movie.

End

Well that's it for number 2 like the other "Total Boredom" This one was rather old and saw many changes even more than the other. I really enjoyed writing this but know this story as well as my writing is very far from perfect and all comments suggestions and criticisms are welcomed at [Gothglam_666@Hotmail.com][1] Thanks for reading.

   [1]: mailto:Gothglam_666@Hotmail.com



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